How do I answer that??

I was a part of a panel of women yesterday at the 3rd annual FPU women's day retreat. Myself and my friend Kimi (also the other RD at FPU) along with the help of our wonderful RAs took a bus full of women to Cambria for the day. There we enjoyed time on the beach, watched matting elephant seals, ate some barbecued ribs and enjoyed a day at the coast together as women. We spent some time at a local church where along with other things, we had a panel of women that answered questions that the ladies wrote down earlier in the day. We told the ladies no question was off limits as we wanted this to be a time where real questions could be asked and real answers could be given.

We divided the questions up between each of the three of us on the panel. One of the questions that was given to me to answer was:

What are some tips for getting over and dealing with the pain of a break-up?

"How do I answer that?" I thought. I often joke with many of my friends that when I'm not in a relationship I become this "relationship expert" and can give all kinds of good advice about dating and relationships. Although I know when I'm the one in the midst of a relationship, I haven't always followed my own advice.

I could think of plenty of things that I did to deal with a break-up, however when I look back I'm not convinced they were all the best things. As much as I would like to pretend they were...the reality is that they were not. But I learned A LOT through it. A LOT.

So I basically broke my thoughts down into four parts. Tips for dealing with a break-up...

1. Allow Time - This is one area I failed in. I didn't allow enough time for myself to heal or for the reality of things to set in. Even though I knew the relationship wasn't working, for whatever reason I still wanted it. And I had to ask myself the question, "Why do I keep wanting "it" when "it" isn't working?" I came to my own conclusions to that question, and had to acknowledge certain things and in the end simply needed time to get up, let go and look ahead.

2. Find People - I'm not talking about a rebound person. I'm talking about those people who will sit with you as you process ALL of your feelings out loud. Someone who will listen to you on the phone talk about the same things twenty different times. Those people who will change their weekend schedule for you, so that you're not left sitting home by yourself alone with all of your thoughts. Those people who can give you insight from an outsiders perspective, who won't bash the guy over and over again, but will be honest with you and tell you those things that you may not want to hear, but in reality, need to hear.

3. Acknowledge that there is a purpose for it all - This one can be really hard, because often the reasons and purposes for why things happen in life can't be seen right away, or even shortly down the road. Sometimes the road to understanding is a long one. I had to cling to this idea a lot as I reminded myself that I needed to stop making my own decisions and allow myself to rest in knowing that God sees and understands FAR more then I do, or ever will.

4. Maintain your integrity - We all have things we could say or share that could make the other person look really bad. But why? There's no reason to and when we do that, it's often a reflection of our self. I really believe that a person's character isn't determined by their actions, but by their reactions to the difficulties and pain that life brings...

Although I broke it down into 4 clear cut parts, the bottom line still remains that break-ups can suck. They hurt. A lot sometimes. But although a broken relationship can influence a person greatly, it shouldn't define who they become or how they view relationships from that point on. I've seen first hand what can happen when a person holds on to past hurts and pains and doesn't allow themselves time to acknowledge it all and heal. And I'm not saying it's easy...but it's necessary.

And I would like to make the disclaimer again, that I am by no means a relational expert. Some of these things I've had to learn the hard way myself...